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My Journey

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'My journey of recovery signified so many endings as well as many beginnings. The end of aloneness, hopelessness, apathy, and fear. The beginning of ease, self-worth, purpose, and gratitude.'.... Arylene

A Donegal woman who was abused by 7 men and one woman tells her story of survival in new book….'Grace Saved A Wretch Like Me’ - Arylene Murphy

A Donegal woman who was sexually abused as a child by seven men and a woman and later battled with addiction has written a book which she hopes will give people who have experienced similar circumstances hope. Arylene Murphy, from Ballyshannon in Co.Donegal was abused for the first time at the tender age of seven on the kitchen floor of her home. She recalls a grown man lying on top of her, his weight crushing her, she was terrified and couldn’t breathe and thought she was going to die. The man told Arylene that if she told anyone what had happened to her that her father would shoot him and ‘go to prison forever’ leaving her mother to raise the family, alone. “Over the coming years, my life became filled with reoccurring episodes of abuse. By the time I was 14, I had been abused by eight different people. However, what I struggled with most was that one of those abusers was a woman,” she said. 

In her book, Grace - Saved A Wretch Like Me, Arylene describes how she considered becoming a nun, went to London in the 80’s and found she loved the anonymity of city life. She worked in bars, got engaged, ran a taxi-firm, worked in a tattoo shop, and joined the police in England but found that time and time again addiction destroyed her progress. With unwavering support from her family, she came home from London after 20 years with two black bin bags and Sasha, her dog. Childhood Memories of bursting open presents under a Christmas tree or blowing out candles on a birthday cake remain vague for Arylene whose childhood was destroyed by abuse. Sitting in the corner of McGettigan’s hotel in Letterkenny Arylene, 56, smiles and explains that some surviving memories of her broken childhood are beautiful and significant. On one occasion, when she was admitted to the Rock hospital with pneumonia. She remembers hearing the children play in the snow at the nearby school and wanted to be with them - firing snowballs at one another. She told a nursing nun of her woes and she soon put the wrong to right. “I started crying because I couldn’t go out and play in the snow and she went out and brought in a bucket of snow and soon we were playing snowballs on the ward,” she recalls. In her book, Arylene writes: “But every fond memory is tainted with one of abuse.” First bike Like all children, Arylene loved getting her first bike and enjoyed cycling around Ballyshannon. On one such occasion, an abuser located her and asked her to get into his car and abused her. “I remember going to school and I remember looking at my friends and thinking ‘I wonder what it is like just to be normal. What is it like not to have that going on? I remember that very, very well,” she said. Tragedy in Ballyshannon During the 70s in Ballyshannon another tragedy befell the town - Mary Boyle disappeared and continues to be the longest missing child in Ireland: “I remember when Mary . . . my dad was out looking for Mary like every other man and I remember years later thinking that could have been me - I am not saying there is a connection, but I just don't know,” she said. As a child at that time, Arylene herself was battling with a cruel reality as upheaval continued around her. From the moment the first man abused her - he continued to do so for three years by which time other people had also become involved. A laugh that chilled her Many years later, Arylene was out with friends in England when she heard a laugh that sent shivers down her spine. The laugh belonged to the first man who had abused her as a child. Arylene believes that it was this man who made her a victim : “I had always felt it difficult to accept that I had been abused by so many people and over the years I had learned to manage that, by blaming him, my first abuser. Whether he knew all the abusers or not did not matter to me but I believe it was he who made me a victim,” she said. Investigation Gardaí in Ballyshannon investigated a complaint she made against the first man. The case was not brought to court as it was a case of Arylene’s word against his. The news hit Arylene, who was already struggling with addiction, hard. She felt if she could hold him accountable, she would feel she was ‘free from them all.’ The news made Arylene feel that she would continue to live as a victim. Arylene feels that the burden of proof on survivors is a very heavy one - and unfortunately this burden, she feels, is left on the shoulders of one who has already suffered so much. Until this very day, Arylene doesn’t know whether there was a link between all those who abused her. Survival Arylene attributes her survival to her family. Her book describes her sitting in a flat in London. She had stopped answering the door to people. She preferred to sit and ruminate in the past and drink. “I drank to drown the loss of childhood, the loss of being a mother, a grandmother, and the loss of myself the person I was supposed to be,” she said. However, the drink stopped to numb the feelings and she found she didn’t care whether she lived or died. She spoke to her sister of her feelings and within 24 hours her brother had arrived in London to bring her home. Honour Arylene has dedicated the book to her mother because she said that it is because of her family she has become the woman she is today: “Today I am who I choose to be, and I can do that because my family never gave up on me,” she said. Her sister Michelle and her husband Dave have given her the honour of being legally recognised as their child Grace’s third parent.

By Michelle NicPhaidin

Email: michelle.nicphaidin@gmail.com

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My mum is, without exception, the strongest person I know. Over the years mum & I have spoken extensively about my experiences of sexual abuse as a child but this is the first time that she is seeing my words in print. She did not want to read the draft, before it went into book form, saying that she would be happy to read it after it was published. That, in itself shows the amazing woman she is.

My work is almost exclusively focused on childhood trauma and my own experiences do in some ways influence that. But it is my level of recovery and healing that influences my work the most and that comes from the love and support that I have always had from my mum. Most people would agree that enduring this kind of abuse is the most horrific thing that any child should have to experience and of course they are right. But for someone to discover that their child has been sexually abused is every mother’s nightmare, and I can never imagine how painful that is for her. My mum has and continues to be by my side on my life journey and without her I would not have made it this far. My book is dedicated to her as a small token of my gratitude.

I did a number of interviews on various media platforms but my live interview with Greg Hughes on Highland Radio was the most detailed. Greg had a good grasp about trauma and how we, as survivors, try to manage from childhood through to adulthood.

                     

                     1:40:00                             

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I am living proof of the truly amazing work they do in White Oaks Rehab Centre.

I was 42 years old when I went into rehab and up to that point in my life, I had not known real peace. As a result of childhood sexual abuse, I was in constant physical unease and psychological pain.

I now celebrate each day of my life feeling the love and support of my family and friends, free from the chains of the trauma and addiction that was ruling my life. I am of course, only one of many who have entirely changed their lives as a result of the fabulous work they do there. My ability to go forward with my book and my work is a constant testimony to the level of care and professionalism of the counsellors and other staff there. But there is something more about White Oaks that makes it so successful and that is the tangible sense of spirituality within its walls. My dear friend Mae used to say that she “loved the walls of the place”. Everyone of us who have been fortunate enough to experience the uniqueness of this very special place agrees with her

    White Oaks Centre, Derryvane, Muff.

                       Co Donegal
               +353 (074) 9384400

         info@whiteoakscentre.com

I chose the title of my book 'Grace Saved A Wretch Like Me' because the song Amazing Grace is very poignant for my family & this is illustrated in my story. But for me personally, it refers directly to my beautiful niece Grace because she was and continues to be the focus of my recovery.

Grace is and will always be the most important person in my life. She is my inspiration, my motivation, my purpose and my power. She is my second chance at living, and at loving. I love her as my own daughter, in fact my sister Michelle and her husband Dave have given me the honour of being legally recognised as her 3rd parent. I have chosen to accept that honour and I embrace all the joy that comes with it.

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